Uncategorized – CorruptedDreams

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Hey Diary,
Right now you’re just about the only person I want to talk about this with but man I’m really fucking going through it, everything should be fine but it’s not and I can’t help but be angry for it. I have no release, I feel angry, I have unresolved emotions and want to lash out but i cage myself so I don’t get into a fight. A normal person would just sob, but I can’t.
I’ll scale back, zoom out if I can and talk about what exactly I’m doing.
I cheat myself by not taking things seriously, I get aware of the fact that I am not perfect through my own observation or someone elses. Then I give up, don’t try and then chalk it up as a proof that I am incapable. This escape offers me the ability to just, continually self-destruct.
I have a lack of faith in myself. I don’t trust others, but that’s likely so I can fail, to not trust myself.
So, what do I crave, the validation of others or the validation of myself. Of course, I can do more, of course I haven’t tried, of course dying is easier. Dying is always easier. If I pull punches, I get to be sad when my punches don’t land and instead stay in la-la land.
I’ve been collapsing like this on myself, over and over. Maybe I haven’t earned a good cry, maybe I have. but it’s good to get this on paper. I can’t give up, giving up would be the dumbest thing I ever did.

scrapped post, Jan 2023

Hi Diary,
Suppose I’m probably overdue.
I usually was doing pretty good at being on-track, once a month vents here kinda made sense, actually I think I was at my best when it was once every two weeks. It’s been cold lately. Really cold. This is probably the coldest I’ve ever felt living here. While I do enjoy a cold snap I guess my emotional levels regarding the affair are just completely well, flatlined. It feels like lately I can’t exactly express myself the same way. I’ve built up this level of socialization that means that sappy poetry and double-speak don’t exactly belong. A new year yeah? A new year for me to grow and be better. to study to exercise and clear my head. Personally I feel absolute anxiety. I’m anxious about surgery, anxious about making friends, about stability. So so anxious. Fought so hard for this stupid surgery, so fucking hard. Bloodwork, getting examined mentally, oh the fucking gates i’ve jumped. Now that I have a date? Feels pointless, feels like I don’t even want it. Future me wants I guess an honest try, to not make excuses to not let myself down. To work towards this. I’m sure that’s what future me wants. back to not crying. I’m probably honestly completely overfilled, with anger and misery and bitter resentment. feelings of guilt for feelings of jealousy. Probably feelings of being alone. Wow this sucks. I can’t even focus on my writing.

Tomie, my Schrodinger spider! 10/13/2022

Sometimes life plays funny tricks on us huh?

This one’s a long-time coming.
Hello Diary! It’s been a while yeah? Two months, and a lots happened.
Tomie, my spider? Not exactly dead, but you know that. I wasn’t sure, when I saw the molt, her container was empty, I was really depressed, honestly, the whole week was ruined. The stress, the anxiety, fear, general state of things and then boom, there goes my friend.
It really wrecked me, days went by, therapy came up, getting dressed 10 minutes before, slide my large mirror closet and BOOM there she is! Alive! Happy! Somehow some way my murderer escaped her enclosure leaving behind her molt to convince me of her demise. Stupid of her honestly, I don’t know how she lasted, how she didn’t get pancaked when I slid the mirror.
Though I have no shame in being outsmarted by an arthropod, I should’ve understood that a corpse being wrapped up in webbing is…bizarre. I had never seen a spider corpse before either, now I know. I was able to finally clean her enclosure, gave her so much love and care, she even has a new lid and is always within my periphery. I hope she likes it.
I’ve been hard at work, updating the site, making it mine, doing my best in every way. (Except Japanese, Japanese is so FAR BEHIND) We’re almost halfway through Inktober and I think I’m doing very well! Riding my motorcycle, taking good care of myself, cleaning up everything so well, more makeup, more learning, I finally finally have my consultations scheduled! 18th and 25th! Wow, that’s almost a week away! How time flies. I’m glad this entries finally done, you have no idea how long it’s been in progress.

One more song

Leg wounds shrink away, much like the fogs that used to rule my day. As the self inflicted claw marks leave behind their existence for clean pale flesh. My mind is a flood, a torrent of angry wind and often times these feelings make me bend. For every ounce of hurt, two of blame. I regress to imagery of cutting vein. Right now I want to go, I want to leave this behind, people who don’t understand, my fractured mind. My yearning my stubbornness my hunger my needs. I want to go so badly, tomorrow makes me feel weak. I’m sorry I’m ideating, I’m sorry I’m sad, I’m sorry I want to leave this world the pain gets me so bad. I should be bright for others, and for myself first. But I can’t beat a level so I’m thinking about a hearse. I’m thinking about a spent casing, I’m thinking about a cig, I’m thinking about wasting away and I’m thinking I’m a kid. I’m scared and cold in love with it the same. I’m scared of loving cold with only myself to blame. I hate this ghost of me, when no one else is around. She puppeteers my darkest fears and throws me onto the ground. Truthfully none of it’s rewarding so I kinda wanna quit. None of it is working, Not one bit. I feel selfish thinking and selfish dreaming and my life has gome too long. In all hopes I may return for anotjer somg.