Right now you’re just about the only person I want to talk about this with but man I’m really fucking going through it, everything should be fine but it’s not and I can’t help but be angry for it. I have no release, I feel angry, I have unresolved emotions and want to lash out but i cage myself so I don’t get into a fight. A normal person would just sob, but I can’t.
I’ll scale back, zoom out if I can and talk about what exactly I’m doing.
I cheat myself by not taking things seriously, I get aware of the fact that I am not perfect through my own observation or someone elses. Then I give up, don’t try and then chalk it up as a proof that I am incapable. This escape offers me the ability to just, continually self-destruct.
I have a lack of faith in myself. I don’t trust others, but that’s likely so I can fail, to not trust myself.
So, what do I crave, the validation of others or the validation of myself. Of course, I can do more, of course I haven’t tried, of course dying is easier. Dying is always easier. If I pull punches, I get to be sad when my punches don’t land and instead stay in la-la land.
I’ve been collapsing like this on myself, over and over. Maybe I haven’t earned a good cry, maybe I have. but it’s good to get this on paper. I can’t give up, giving up would be the dumbest thing I ever did.