Suppose I’m probably overdue.
I usually was doing pretty good at being on-track, once a month vents here kinda made sense, actually I think I was at my best when it was once every two weeks. It’s been cold lately. Really cold. This is probably the coldest I’ve ever felt living here. While I do enjoy a cold snap I guess my emotional levels regarding the affair are just completely well, flatlined. It feels like lately I can’t exactly express myself the same way. I’ve built up this level of socialization that means that sappy poetry and double-speak don’t exactly belong. A new year yeah? A new year for me to grow and be better. to study to exercise and clear my head. Personally I feel absolute anxiety. I’m anxious about surgery, anxious about making friends, about stability. So so anxious. Fought so hard for this stupid surgery, so fucking hard. Bloodwork, getting examined mentally, oh the fucking gates i’ve jumped. Now that I have a date? Feels pointless, feels like I don’t even want it. Future me wants I guess an honest try, to not make excuses to not let myself down. To work towards this. I’m sure that’s what future me wants. back to not crying. I’m probably honestly completely overfilled, with anger and misery and bitter resentment. feelings of guilt for feelings of jealousy. Probably feelings of being alone. Wow this sucks. I can’t even focus on my writing.