Ultimately the irony doesn’t escape me.
I think now is the point when I’ve felt like I’m able to control things more. For such a long time I was tied to the notions that I reacted to stimuli, rather than control my self. I think I did this because of fear and also because I could always point to it as evidence of me not failing, can’t fail unless you try right? If anything has to be said, it’s that I want to be better and do better. I’ve moved past the guilt of most of my actions, atoning for them by moving on, forgiving my younger self. I think my art is getting better and, I think that now it’s mostly for me. Though I do ride the occasional jealousy demons back, its certainly not as invited. I’m also practicing radical honesty, discarding my opinions defenses on fragile basis’ saying what I actually think instead. To err is to be human, so it is that humans are hypocrites in some form, why not own it.
Preparing for this has been such a mental ordeal, an ouroboros and rats nest of paperwork, labs, meds, homebrew concoctions, scheduling, evaluations. As I stand at this gate I must ask myself, is this what I want, what I need, or is this the process being seeming more than what it is.
I don’t think I need this, to most people now I am what I am by default, in this way I now am truly learning what it is to be and not be.
I wonder, how far I could have gone on my own, unaided. For so long my inaction felt created or destroyed by the molecules in my veins but now having gone through a downcycle and upcycle far surpassing my previous output I can clearly see. It’s me. I care because I care. I am doing this for me.
The questions of this being a bad choice are long gone now, as the tests confirmed my hoped and unwanted fear. It is fun to be me, I just hope other people see it and understand it. I hope they understand that if I make it through this, the meshing of identities will naturally take root, as the walls coalesce into their own.
I hope, I hope that I like these results. Because, this is a want, one that I had to fight for so strongly.