Lately I’ve been kinda playing classroom frog in my spare time, seems like 1/4th of my week is just therapy or dissection. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t half stressful, sometimes it feels like I have to weigh authenticity with saving face, I’m only really ever good at pretending when it’s for fun not so much appeasing another’s qualifications.
Questions that people ask seem personal and you never get a sense for it until you read the whole set of pages dictating your whole life’s story, “did I really say that?” “Do I really feel that way about those people?” “How the fuck did I know that at that age?”, odd questions that sometimes you can’t help but lightly deny with phrases like; “She must’ve misunderstood.” “Why was it necessary to mention that?” “That’s definitely wrong, was she paying attention?”, though I suppose it’s possible I’m merely just hypercritical.
I remember being really pissed when I got called over-analyzer by a friend when I was young but thinking of it now? It totally makes sense yknow? I wonder if maybe I should re-evaluate my methodology of pose studies, if spending twenty minutes on twenty poses is any better than spending twenty on two. Still scared of color as well, I wonder when exactly this fear stuff started? Still seems like a constant to overcome, yet another to add to the pile.
There’s something else diary, lately my mannerisms have shifted, I’ve noticed that lately silent acknowledgement is my go-to rather than spoken word, strange yeah? I want to play into it but the fact it happened is a note within itself, no? I guess maybe I prefer not speaking to merely waving my hands, actually I guess it’s more my fingers. Something about this rhythmic fanning movement it just feels like it’s mine. Like a signature, it’s a silent semi-unique acknowledgement “I see you” “words aren’t necessary to convey this emotion”.
It’s all so difficult diary, some days I feel like I’m being swallowed whole by a life that’s a thread away from chaos and dystopia, other days it feels like I’m living out a fantasy, achieving everything I set out to do. I got through my first few rings of dissection, a few more and I might just be able to get what I want, though I do question if what I want is going to equate to a better baseline of life or merely placate some inner demon.
What a difficult ordeal.