It’s been 12 days, but honestly I wanted to write to you about two ago. Unfortunately, each time I sat down my page stayed blank, or I could barely push myself to do this. Today however, is special, today is another one of those “my days”, but I’m getting ahead of myself not that it matters.
So last week I reconnected with a friend of mine who’s also on hrt, we talked for hours and eventually I found out their stance as well as their therapy is different than mine. They were honestly so cool about the whole thing. Eventually they linked a document and when we talked about AAs they mentioned depression, turns out the pill I took every day? Miiiight be a depressant as a side-effect, color me shocked right?
I mean geeze I spend all this money, crush the fucking things and essentially “make” my own daily doses. It’s very comedic, so while I’m sure my depression is clinical I’m on mono-therapy now, right now I’m solely observing, cypros doses were low so honestly I don’t expect the magical “wow” moment but my spirals do seem slightly easier to control. In turn I’ve doubled my E apparently mono therapy is just as effective? We’ll see lmao.
I’m officially in the market for surgery, I wasn’t a coward but yknow isn’t refusal to live also cowardice? I don’t have all my life to waste, unless it’s on cool shit. So, what have I been up to? I got my japanese finally back under control, WaniKani is murdering me but I’m beating that stack down, yesterday it was 90 reviews, now it’s 30-40. I got back into art, quite a few days this week I’ve sat down and actually studied, pose studies, color studies, all boring and all for me. Which is nice yknow?
It feels like for once I can do things for me, which will make it even sicker when I want to share it! There were two people I really missed who I thought might not contact me once but one of them did! They said hi and honestly that was enough for me.
Withdrawals are…..they were up to the max earlier this week but I’m getting through. I’m trying to be extremely mindful of my time, no substitutes unless it’s a mental habit. I’ve picked up philosophy, as much as reading and listening to quotes can be but there’s something there for me. Specifically Aurelius, that dude says some stuff that reads as white girl live laugh love, yet also it aligns with that old Faye mantra of dying every day. See it’s not that it’s literal, but it is that it should be treated as such. Time should be valued and so should you! One way or another these neurons are gonna fire in the right way and boom! progress!
Oh Diary, we’re so far from there but so so close all the same, I’ve noticed my pareidolia is coming back, kinda exciting yknow? Well Diary, I think that might just be it for now. My heads swimming with happy imagery and the next time it turns sour I might just have the tool for it and the next and the next and the next! Until next time Diary, I wonder what song I’ll be listening to then?