Hi Diary

Been a while yeah? Honestly lately it seems like I start writing to you and then halfway through I get stuck and can’t quite finish it. I’m getting worse but that’s part of the rehab. At least that’s what I tell myself, obviously I can’t hold these feelings for months. I still am not great at sitting and talking to myself about it, I just don’t take my mental status seriously. Diary, I always envied and liked those who were comfortable In themselves maybe I just never was able to give myself that, a lot of what I enjoy I attribute to others for reasons I can’t really explain. I finally finished Bebop, even made some bell peps and beef to go with it. I thought it was a weak ending, bf says it’s a guy thing but yknow, I got what I needed in Faye, a woman trapped in a past she can hardly remember, she finds what she wanted is gone and succeeds in letting go. How do I let go? Sometimes old anime is hard for me to consume, it makes me crave cigarettes, silly I know but present all the same. So let’s see, scared, attached, extremely paranoid and cognizant of it to boot. Definitely not present, definitely not in control. Cycles gotta be broken, gotta find my way in this. Look I’m lucky, sometimes cute, passionate….in both ways. People have to be able to change my issue is the lack of peaceful days, it makes me feel like I want revenge or peace from something. Vindication even. This time I slept on it, this time I discussed it and made real connections solid and merely took my backpack off, instead of cutting the straps. Somehow there’s gotta be an answer to it, detaching instead of destroying. Not caring, or…. Finding an alternative habit. It’s so strange but ….a mental habit? Like me talking to her? Or thinking of a busy freeway and focusing on the grass and breathing? Converting from one to the other seems so difficult and stimulus is about the only way I can cause it. To get better at anything you have to be in the work spot. Maybe I should do my ritual again, I did really fail to do my morning routine, so hard to stick with things, getting better sure but, I can do more. I really do need to sit down and think this out, I wonder if it’d help me cry too.

Goodnight Diary