I wish I could say that the post I had in mind matches the one that I’m typing now but ultimately, unfortunately, it does not. I had it in mind a few days ago I would hop on here, spilling a happy diatribe, do my best and move on. Maybe I need my ritual again, maybe my programming didn’t take and all my old nasty ways if thinking are showing me that I’m not quite ready to kick the crutches off. Am I coming far? I guess I have savings now, a challenging job, probably a career to be honest. It’s just a shame everything outside of that is so lackluster, probably the worst state it’s ever been in, my social life is marred, seems I like that word, marred by fear, anxiety, competition, paranoia. My mental state is low, same as the people I reach out to. My art is…..well I’m embarrassed by it, but I’m not sketching anymore, not doing pose studies, honestly I’m doing awful at the 50/50 rule. That’s my problem, I’m sad because it’s not where I want, so I get scared and don’t draw more, thus ensuring I don’t have fun and don’t draw. Remember how I used to get sketches out daily? I do, I need to get back to that. Maybe that’s what tomorrow can be for me. A real solid step, maybe I didn’t own today, maybe I wasn’t my best V I could be, but I can do better. I’m me yknow, I can’t give up, if all my friends can’t help, if all my rivals are doing better then I guess I just gotta push myself past it. I always do, I gotta just realize that I’m okay, with friends, without friends. I’m okay. I mean, I’m not, I have deep seeded issues, I get caught up and then there’s old me, being a bitch, stalking, doing my usual gross stuff, gross thinking, evil thinking. How come I love stuff but I’m scared to try, like at this point fear has only killed me, I probably should stop being scared of anything ever. Wasn’t that part of new me? “A real solid sense of purpose and self fulfillment” that’s what I said, yet I’m so “afraid” then I chastise others when they get overrun with it. I’m willing to be a hypocrite in lots of ways but I think I’d like to end that one specifically. I should go nuts, just fucking do the shit I’m afraid of, I don’t have to go full throttle, it doesn’t have to be black and white, I need to embrace that grey. I always struggle with it diary I mean you know. Yknow I don’t feel like total death anymore, still waiting on the new therapist but I’m sure between this, the medical procedures, betterment I’m doing to my looks, aesthetic, health, it’s probably nah, definitely gonna pay off, and look once it’s where I want I’ll find a new challenge, I think my life should always be new and difficult. I just need to work on this bad complex I’ve developed. Goodnight diary, tomorrow the ritual, then absolute danger.