Hey Diary, seems like lately I’m back in the swing of writing in you again, honestly maybe inwards the only way to go right now because it feels like everyone left me. Every conversation goes no where, the words don’t process or people just play games with me. I’m not really sure what I did, maybe I acted up one too many times, maybe it’s the same thing I always do. It’s troubling the way I separate myself from others, the paranoia I get, the way I let my thoughts wander and run, I’ve been doing bad lately, really bad it feels like everyone has left and I’m highly frustrated. I’m not letting my brain relax from this constant barrage of people who aren’t here and ultimately don’t matter. They matter to me but, do they truly affect my life? Does tearing myself apart for this, idea of I don’t even know what help? I’m gonna level with you, I know therapy is around the corner and that that might open the door to making a tangible cut from all this internet shit I’ve devoted my life to, but it’s so hard, it feels like suddenly everything is ratcheted up and fucked. It’s affected my ability to do art, which is not fun, if I’m accomplishing so much then why does everything truly feel so difficult? I’m scared shittless of the motorcycle, but I have to push through this obviously. I have to make good on who I want to be, maybe it’s okay to just be nice to myself for now? All this pressure, it’s hardly real, these people aren’t my neighbors, they don’t define me and most of them don’t even know me they don’t have the same shit. I recognize this is a hair away from “I’m unique in my pain and no one understands” but of course people understand, broadly, they are the same as me. But that’s just it, only I can do what I need, recognize what I’m going through really focus in on what I’m feeling and truly cope with that. If these friends don’t give enough? Don’t act the way I like or just don’t see what I see. Then it’s not that they’re bad friends, it’s that they just aren’t my kind of people and I can keep them close or far and special to me, but I have to realize that just because they are that way doesn’t define them. It doesn’t mean my paranoid thoughts are real, it doesn’t mean a plot or sudden change is here, it means that truly I need to recognize that not everyone is how you like and that is okay. There are 7 billion people on this planet and somehow I got someone to love and be with. I’m sure there’s room for more friends for people who are tangible, but maybe for now I shouldn’t look for others to help bring me up, maybe for now I should be on my own and working on myself. Focusing on what I’m going through, how people are….I wish I didn’t struggle so much when I give the same advice to others.