Hi dear diary, it’s been a while so I’m here because the things on my mind are special and I want them to come out once again. I had another breakdown, a real bad one and now that I’m out of it I can only feel the desire to express. I sobbed painfully, heartbroken because my thoughts couldn’t make it to a screen. It’s funny that when I’m here I have zero standards for myself, outside of trying new methods, structures, rhymes, it all happens so naturally. But with art, it’s so stiff and difficult, I wonder if it’s because I’ve written for so much of my life, in so many different ways. I still miss “them” I told myself that I’m a new version of a person so it’s okay that we don’t talk anymore, but I haven’t integrated it all yet. Truthfully diary it makes me feel safe knowing I can write in public, post a link on twitter and no one talks to me about it directly, I like it a lot. I like you a lot, I like that I have maintained a positive habit for all these years and outside of the blegh WordPress backed site, it’s mine. Completely totally mine to talk, to post art, to rant to vent to just be me. Every part of me is here, my storytelling, my politics, my philosophy, my puzzle making. It’s all so wondrous and I just hope I can grow with you as I continue into the fears of adulthood, more therapy, medication, new hobbies and friends. Honestly I’m so excited for the version of me that won’t be so damaged to emerge into reality. Maybe duality is my biggest fetish. Is that weird? I don’t think that is. I wonder if that’s why I sometimes seem fake to people. Special and unique in my own normal non-contrarian way. I hope I can live to see this all work out. I must admit I ideated again, entertained the notion of cutting my legs. I wouldn’t be able to hide it, so honestly that helps me stop myself a lot. I couldn’t stand hurting him that much. I think he’s the one diary, I really really do. If I do things right and be an adult, a good human. God the things to share. I love his taste, I love being frustrated at how he refuses to shuffle music, he’s so strong and capable and when things need to change he’s honest but fair. I need to give this my all, I need to cut the bullshit weight that isn’t productive. I love him so much and he fixes me up so well. I need to be better for him, I do for me as well.
Oh yeah I was nicotine free for a year.
Crazy how much I’ve changed.