Truthfully today is still a bleak day despite all I’ve done.
I cooked two meals, I made a special hide for my bunny, I even cleaned up my home.
Yet this under-cropping dark side of me is still here making me feel like I should just go. I’m hurt, hurt that friends didn’t value me enough to show their ability to change. Hurt over the fact that I’m so often in the dark wondering how cheated I am going to be vs how much I’ve cheated them. I’m hurt that friends don’t see the value in my interests or likes. I’m wondering, at my age, with my home-hopping ways, will I be able to make tangible friends? Friends I can shop with and get fucked up with and just be honest with? I’m scared my lax attitude towards recreational drugs will harm my career opportunities…..I’m scared cause I don’t know if I truly want career opportunities. I’m scared about surgery, I’m scared about appearances, I’m scared about who myself is.
I almost had to get a swimsuit last week and my brain could do nothing but freak out. I’m scared, I’m a parasite, I’m scared that I keep thinking about giving up the things that were meant to define me. I lost my guts, my edge, my desire to open, is this all a re-hash? Sometimes it feels like one….