I like having this place to speak my mind, to get all the negative thoughts out of my head.
I often feel less successful than my peers and I constantly feel like I’m sizing myself up against others.
I hate how often I reflect on times in my life and am consistently disappointed and sickened by my actions. Always feeling like I hurt people and feeling like that’s what I do the most.
Often times I feel trapped in a society that constantly is one page ahead on the script. I don’t get things easily and always feel slow.
I’m sorry I didn’t open up when you wanted to talk about anime, I just don’t come out of my shell easily especially when I meet people, I watched the whole season of that show you talked about and I hope it didn’t come off as talking down to you when I told you it was probably a red panda, when at the time I hadn’t even seen a single frame of the show, I was right but that doesn’t give me any excuse, I hope I see you again and I can talk to you about how much I liked it.
I’m sorry that I hugged you in High School when you didn’t want me to, and I’m sure it didn’t help that I was acting weird, I was in an odd place where I didn’t really know who I was and was trying desperately to accomplish that.
I’m sorry that I made you cry that day, I know you’ve probably forgotten about it but the memories burned into my brain so I guess that’s my punishment, I didn’t mean for you to think I was calling you fat, I just didn’t rationalize what I was saying.
I’m sorry I made you come out to your parents, I didn’t mean for that to start a whole shitstorm, I don’t blame you or your parents for getting the FBI involved, they were just protecting you, I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you were trying to say by showing me that web-comic.
I’m sorry that I played pretend for you, trying the whole sub-dom thing and role-playing irl when I should have just been myself and cut things off a lot earlier, I hope you’re doing well and have a healthy relationship, or at the least are happy on your own.
I’m sorry that I mentioned suicide and drugs when I first met you, I know it shocked you a lot, I just have very low ability at observing social cues and felt like honesty would be nice.
I still don’t know who I am, a lot of times I think I do but when I look in the mirror I still am shocked at what I see.
I never meant to make you feel like I hated you when I made fun of your comment on smoking at school, or when I talked about how having a kid in high school was irresponsible when you were pregnant, that’s not how anyone should start that conversation especially when I wasn’t really that close to you.
I still can’y cry, I can never tell if it’s the after effects of the drugs if something somewhere inside me broke. I’ve deleted every-way people could talk to me, people that were my friends, I don’t truly think I can fault them for not texting me. Everyone asks me how things are when I wish they’d ask me if I’m okay, but I know if they did I couldn’t bare to show myself that way.
I wish our families were motivators and not blockades, but I know that they’ve had habits and feelings about things for years and it’s a little bit much to ask something that complex to change.
I’m sorry but I can’t give you money I’m sure I have some to spare but I can’t bare to see you continue this path when my mere existence is giving you money that you’re squandering.
What’s sad is these aren’t even a large chunk of my sins, things I’ve done that aren’t even crimes haunt me every time my train of thought is gone. I want to forget them, I want to forgive myself.
I’m sorry I can’t forgive myself, I just hope you’ll keep supporting me until I can either forgive or forget.
June 13th, 2018 10:59pm